CHAPTER 1: The Identity Crisis

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While studying and working with this material, it gradually dawned on me that most problems and stresses that we experience in life are due to a lack of self-knowledge. This was certainly the case in my situation. As I worked with clients and seminar participants, it became even more obvious. It seemed to me that most people operate as if they have a dual personality: the person they think they are, and the hidden self they have denied.

The person we think we are is often acting in a way that is either in separation from, or in conflict with, the person we have hidden. Our expressions, attitudes, beliefs, and actions are usually related to the person who we think we are. Therefore, we have stress and conflict as constant companions. We all struggle to some degree or another with an identity problem. In Chapter 2, I will explain the damaging effects this had on my own personal life.

In the last several years, I have spent a lot of time considering how we arrived at this stage. Some of it was due to our conforming to the "expectations" of others.

When we were born, our parents had expectations of how we should behave and express ourselves. We went along with their expectations because we desired to please.

Later in school, we learned about "cultural" and "social" expectations. If we did not do well in school, the message we got was that we were a failure, or even worse, that there might be something fundamentally wrong with us. If we did do well in school, we may have believed that the only way to feel worthwhile was through high achievement. This may have motivated us to take on a "nice girl," or "nice boy," self-image. On the other hand, there were also those of us who reacted to these tribal and social restrictions by becoming rebels, feeling that those in authority were against us and that we were their victims.

So when many of us were young and wanting the love, approval and attention of those around us, we gave up large parts of ourselves in an attempt to survive and make others happy, but often at our expense. I like to call this "social and tribal programming." However, even though we were not mature enough to make a better choice, ultimately, it was still our decision.

By the time most of us become adults, we have lost awareness of who we truly are, and we live from an image that is in denial of its greater self. Feeling this separation from who we truly are is the reason many of us spend the rest of our lives seeking, searching or trying to justify ourselves through the way we relate to others and the environment. Around midlife, if the identity issue has not been satisfactorily resolved, it takes on the form of a midlife crisis.

In my private practice, I have met many males who, at around 35 years of age, have a successful career but are still unhappy. Often they say, "I did everything that was supposed to make me happy and it hasn't. What's wrong?" Other than being career persons or family men, they do not know who they are.

For many women today, a mid-life crisis often comes when the children are adults and old enough to be on their own. So much of mother's life was devoted to a motherhood identity that she loses her sense of self (the empty nest syndrome). At this point, women often re-enter the workforce to acquire a career, searching for a new identity which, they feel, comes through what they do, without still knowing who they are.

In an article in Prevention magazine, Dr. D. Goldstein states:

"Typically people ask themselves, 'Where am I going with my life? What should I do?' But midlife is not just about what you do; it is primarily who you are. If we wish to embrace the second half of life with renewed vitality and vigor, we must devote some quality time at midlife reassessing who we've come to be and who we'd like still to become."

I'd like to add that the important thing is not to become something else, which would only keep us searching in separation, but to have a realization of who we truly are.

In our society with its focus on materialism, fame, and fortune, it is little wonder that we get the impression that our identity, self-image, and self-worth comes from what we do, from what we acquire, and what we achieve. There has been little focus or time spent on knowing who we are. However, this is beginning to change. In recent years more and more people have given up on society's concept of happiness in favor of a more fulfilling vision. Many are making it a priority to first become aware of who they are, and then determine what it is they want to do. Today it is becoming more common to hear of people who claim to have an awareness of their true identity.

The hidden self is not shaped by society or by others' expectations. It has not sold out for materialism or other questionable values. It operates by principles, which may even conflict with those of the people around it. When the hidden self is understood and integrated, then life changes, dreams come true, happiness is more a constant companion, all things are a possibility, and negative feelings about oneself, others and the world begin to disappear. First and foremost, one is content with oneself, regardless of one's circumstances, and takes this inner sense of well-being into all he or she does.

Sounds too good to be true? Not really, rather, it should be the norm for everyone. This is how life was meant to be.

For now, I would like you to look beyond your need for money, relationships, therapy, and your talents and abilities. I invite you to begin a journey of understanding how you are not only your greatest resource, but also the most important person you will ever know.

Let us begin this journey by asking the most important question of your life which, when answered, fully accepted, and understood, will change your life forever.

The key to having the life you desire is to know the answer to this question. Please take time to ponder this question and write down your answer, so that you will be able to monitor and check your progress as you continue on this journey. Writing is one way to make sense of random and fragmented thoughts. By reviewing what you have written, you are able to keep track of your own progress.

Along with your answer, explain why, at this time in your life, this may be the most important question you will ever ask.

To our first question (Who am I?), most people respond with, "I am a doctor, a mother, a lawyer, a father, a teacher, a minister, a nurse, a waitress, and so on." Yet what they are describing is their self-image, or the role they are playing. While it may be true that they are playing a role, they are also doing much more. Each individual may be a lot of things; each man or a woman could have several roles. The whole is greater than the parts.

Others might say, "I believe I am really in touch with my true self." Yet their lives do not always reflect this claim. In religious, metaphysical, and New Age circles, it is surprising how many people still suffer from loneliness, lack of direction, unhappy relationships, and experience unwanted feelings and emotions. Furthermore, this is also true of many gurus, teachers and spiritual leaders. As you shall see, much of the above is due to a mistaken self-identity and the lack of a 'way' that is individually designed for one's life path.

Was your answer to this first question (Who am I?) satisfying? Do you know without a doubt who you are, and do you have a "way," a pre-determined, well-designed process for how you wish to live your life to the fullest? Does your method keep you happy and ecstatic, while always being, doing and having what you want?

If you said "no" to any of the questions above, you are in a good space to experience some interesting and exciting new ways of being.

Until people start this way of being, they have no idea of the hardships they have placed upon themselves through not fully understanding who they are:

1. They may be living their lives blindly. If so, this would support feelings of insecurity, stress and confusion, including feelings of being dissatisfied with their lives.

2. They may identify themselves by the roles they take on in life. If this is the case, they will, in all likelihood, judge themselves by their successes, failures, and according to their ability to live up to their self-made roles. Should they succeed at a particular role, they feel greatly blessed; but should they fail, they sink into depression and despair.

Does this ring a bell?

Identifying yourself with what you do is like living your life on a seesaw. Your emotions are at the risk of always going up and down according to your success or failure in your chosen role, which if played often enough, becomes the "you" with whom you identify as your self-image. It is as if you become attached to something other than that which you really are.

Think about a time when you played a role, such as in a job, business, or even in a relationship, only to feel devastated when it ended.

This does not mean that when you know who you are, you will have to give up your achievements, success, or relationships. It simply means that in spite of these, you will come to realize how you are your own ultimate source of happiness, regardless of what goes on outside of yourself.

Until now, like most of us, you have probably felt that happiness comes from what you do and what you can get. Little thought has been given to discovering "Who am I?" When you understand who you truly are, you will begin to experience that you are the source of your own happiness.

Gone is the belief that you need someone else to make you happy, or that if you could get enough money, enough education, enough good looks, or enough love, then you would be happy. Why? Because as you discover who you truly are, you begin experiencing all the riches, wisdom and love that you carry within, which is more than you could have ever imagined.

Not knowing your identity can be compared to building a house without a foundation. It would be next to impossible. Furthermore, the stronger the foundation, the longer the house will last. Knowing your true identity is the foundation to building a fulfilling and happy life. It is the starting point from which the rest of your life flows.

Do you think that Jesus', Gandhi's, or Buddha's identity and happiness were based only on external achievements and successes? These great historical figures led lives that you or I might feel would lead to the pit of despair, yet Jesus said, "I speak this in the world so that they may share my joy completely." These words contradict the image of a suffering Christ that many Christians project upon Him. Most of us would look at His life and think of it as one of misery and hardship, yet this is not how Jesus saw Himself. Gandhi is reported to have said that the most meaningful times in his life were those he spent in prison. One of the reasons Gandhi could say this was because of the happiness he felt within, which came from his ability to love others and be at peace with himself regardless of his circumstances. Buddha is often depicted as the smiling or laughing Buddha, due to the enlightenment and bliss he was said to have found.

Many people are afraid that a new identity may not suit them, even though they are unhappy with their present identity and self-image. This is natural. Any time we entertain something new and different, fear usually accompanies us for a while. Furthermore, some people may have such a low self-image that they cannot imagine being any different, yet this illusion of feeling unworthy keeps them from realizing their true identity. How many times have you heard people, even in their fifties and sixties, jokingly say, "I wonder who I am going to be when I grow up?" No matter how old, few people have realized their true identity.

Several years ago, I had a client who was the funniest person I had ever known, yet he spent most of his life in shaky business ventures trying to get rich. Finally, at a very young age, he had a heart attack and nearly died. I often wondered how much of his heart attack was due to his being out of touch with his true identity, one that might have been better served expressing itself through a career in comedy.

Many people want to do things for the wrong reasons. "Maybe if I get rich enough, I will know that I'm okay, and people will love and respect me," or, "Maybe if I could be a great doctor, or engineer, I'd then realize I'm all right and I could feel good about myself."

The trouble is, I see many millionaires, doctors, nurses, and engineers in my counseling practice who are as unhappy as anyone else. Why? Because they still do not know who they are. They identify with the role they are playing, and instead become more and more dissatisfied with their false sense of self.

If you answer the question, "What do I want to do?" without answering the question, "Who am I?" you won't know if what you intend to do is in harmony with who you are. Until the first question is resolved, seeking an answer to the second question would be futile.

I have arranged for you to ask these questions early in the book, so that as the book unfolds, your answers to these questions will change and become more profound and insightful. I am not expecting you to get to your ultimate awareness of self at this time, but instead to explore your present beliefs by thinking about them and writing them down. Then you can make comparisons with your evolving understanding later. By the time you come to the end, you should feel quite differently about who you are and what you have chosen to do.

Next, you need to be aware of how much of your life is already under your control.

Again take your time and answer carefully. Also, be sure to write out your answers so that you can refer to them later.

Many people will have answers like, "My parents," or "God created me." It is true that they played a role in your creation, but the adult that you are experiencing as yourself now is a result of every choice you ever made since birth. You are the sum of your choices. Another way of saying it is that you are both your source and resource for everything you are and have in your life so far. Some people want to blame their life on things that happened in their childhood, or on some tragic event or circumstance. However, in the final analysis, the way you have chosen to react to the events or circumstances of your life is the way you have shaped the person you are today.

Today, many people believe in the philosophy that argues that we are totally responsible for the life we are having and everything in it, including our parents. Those who adhere to this theory suggest that because we have been given free will, it would seem improbable that this freedom to choose would only begin in this lifetime, rather than before conception. Therefore, they feel that we all agreed and worked out with our creator the kind of parents we would have, our place of birth, and the circumstances into which we would be born to best help us advance in this lifetime. People who believe this feel it is empowering to know that we have the freedom to choose the kind of life we wish to have.

In any case, whether or not you accept this philosophy of your choosing your parents, you are still left with the question of who created the person you are today. Since you were born, you chose the way in which you responded or reacted to the circumstances, events, and situations that occurred in your life. Therefore, because of these choices, you chose the life you are having now, and you are responsible for all it involves.

What is so powerful about this idea is that if you believe you have generated what you have now, it is also possible for you to generate something else if you are not happy with your circumstances. Knowing that you created all that you have now shows you have the power to produce whatever life you want, an idea that should be very empowering for you.

Please think about it carefully and take whatever time you need.

Welcome back. Well, we have already alluded to what your greatest gift might be. Is it not your free will? Again, this means that you have the power to choose whatever life you wish.

I now believe my destiny is exactly what I choose it to be. Let us go back to the theory that we chose the circumstances that we were born into. If this were so, I also have the option of choosing the highest meaning and purpose within the circumstances in which I find myself born; and this is my destiny.

No one would choose an accident, or any other calamity, that may cripple or minimize one's life. Yet throughout this book, you will see examples of people who have had terrible things happen to them and still found true meaning and fulfillment in those circumstances. I think of Christopher Reeve, who played Superman in his film career, and then became a quadriplegic after falling off his horse. Since then, his attitude, strength and willingness to persevere and find meaning in his life have inspired millions. If ever a man truly deserved the title of Superman, it is Christopher Reeve. It seems that being Superman is his destiny. Anywhere along the way he could have chosen otherwise. In a similar condition to his, many would have given up, felt sorry for themselves and died sad and unhappy. The question, then, is, did he play the role of Superman by chance, a role that was a forerunner to the one he has since found himself playing, or was this role a choice he made prior to his birth?

I do not believe in karma, or that life is predetermined or governed by fate, the devil, our genes, or anything else. Why? Because in those instances, there is no free will. Accordingly, we would then be victims of powers beyond our control.

If an outside force determines my life against my free will, I might as well give up, because I have no say in the way I choose to live. If I have no control over my life, I can only be happy or fulfilled if someone or something outside of myself wills or directs it. I would be just a pawn. On the other hand, my life becomes vastly different when I choose to live from the awareness of my hiddenself, versus that of my old self-image. Choosing to purposefully be my true or hidden self in all my undertakings takes me beyond all my old limitations and helps me awaken to the deep joy and serenity that lies within.

In his book, The Doctor and the Soul, Dr. Victor E. Frankl, a world renowned author and psychiatrist, tells of his schizophrenic patient. When asked if she were weak willed, the patient responded, "I am weak willed when I want to be, and when I don't want to be, I am not weak willed." Frankl goes on to say that "this psychotic patient was skillfully pointing out that people are inclined to hide their own freedom of will from themselves by alleging weakness of will."

You may or may not be able to create all the circumstances and events in your life, but you can choose your responses and reactions to them. It is said that, "the rain falls on the good and the bad, but the way you respond to the rain is always your choice." It is up to your free will to choose meaningful responses that will provide you with the wondrous life you seek.

You might now be wondering, "Where is God in all of this?" It is as if God is saying, "I give you absolute free will, which means that you are made in my image, and have the same free will that I have. Whatever you desire you can have." Now, if you have free will, and with it you produced the life you have today, has God not honored your free will by letting you have the life you wanted? The life you have now has been chosen by your free will, and God has respected this by supporting all of your choices.

If your life is less than satisfactory, at least now you can say, "The dissatisfaction I feel is of my own choosing. I can now make new choices." This means you have, and always have had, the power to choose whatever life you want.

Does this encourage or disappoint you? Some people want to feel that they are not responsible, hoping they can pass the blame on to others, or on to God. They want to be a victim. Others see it as a self-empowering way of life. "Wow, you mean I am it, and I can have whatever I want just by the way I make my choices?"

Another aspect of free will is creativity. This means that because you have free will, you are constantly creating yourself anew at every moment through your thoughts, attitudes, actions and expressions. You are, by your present beliefs and thoughts, creating the life you have now in this instant. By always creating beliefs and thoughts, your life is being adjusted accordingly. Now, you can imagine how much personal power you have to create the life you desire.

There are four reasons why people have difficulty achieving the fulfilling life they want. Most people...

a. do not know who they are

b. do not know what they really want

c. do not believe they are always getting what they want

d. are afraid of commitment.

a. Most people do not know who they are.

Again, the answer to this will unfold as you read further. What I can say is that you are far greater than you have ever imagined.

b. Most people do not know what they want.

A friend of mine found a bird that was quite young and crippled. As the bird got better, it would constantly fling itself against the bars of its cage, trying to break free. Finally, she took it to the beach and lifted the cage off the bird. Guess what it did? It hunkered down, scared to move. It had no idea what was out there or what it really wanted.

So she said to the bird, "Shoo little birdie," and the bird flew away, made a small circle, then came back. She kept doing this, and the bird kept flying in ever-bigger circles until finally it did not return. It had at last discovered a much bigger world out there with far more options than it ever had had in the cage.

Like the bird, we all want to be free. Yet, even when given the opportunity, we often stay stuck in our little cages because we do not know what we want.

c. Most people do not believe they are always getting what they want.

Let me tell you the story of four men in the trucking business. These four men belonged to the same church, and one day they heard that a miracle worker was coming who had help people manifest whatever they wanted. So anxiously they awaited her arrival. Finally the day came when they got to meet this special person.

They approached her, saying, "We understand that you have the ability to give us whatever we want. Is this true?"

She replied, "Well, you might say it is, but I actually just help you to bring forth from your own true self the ability of manifesting whatever it is you desire, for did He not say, 'Ask and you shall receive'?"

"Oh, yes," they answered rather impatiently, "but we would really appreciate your help, because we realize you know how to do this. Will you help us?"

"Of course," she replied. "How can I help you?"

"Well, each of us would like three trucks, if that is not too much to ask."

"No, that shouldn't be too difficult, but perhaps it is too little. If you could have anything you desired, would you not want more than just three trucks? Would you not want more than that?" she asked politely.

"Well, perhaps we should think a little more about this. Would that be okay?"

"Of course, take all the time you like. We can talk again."

The businessmen came back a few days later and said, "We have thought it over, and while there is much more to be had, we would just like three new trucks each if that is not too much trouble."

"Well, three trucks you shall have. Now let us spend a moment in the benevolence and presence of God in all things and the gift of free will that enables us to have whatever we desire."

They all agreed and very soon, within a few days of the other, the wherewithal to obtain three big brand new trucks came about for each of them.

The first man to receive his three trucks built a big and far-reaching trucking firm. He had trucks running all over the country. When he got up in the morning he talked and thought of nothing else but trucks. At night he even dreamed about trucks. In fact, he had time for little else. It was as if the trucking business now ran his life. He became a success at the trucking business, but was he a success at living his life?

The second man, very soon after receiving his three trucks, lost one due to some minor oversight of having no insurance. So he went through life talking about his missing truck. He would say things like, "You know, if I just had one more truck, where do you think I would be today? Yes, if I had one more truck then I could have enough money to buy a new house, or send my child to college, or even go around the world. I would have had such a big business if only I had one more truck."

You see, he was acting like the person who says, "I don't have enough education," or, "If only I had continued in school, then things would be different," or, "If I only had more brains, or more good looks, or more money, or a better physique, then things would have worked out." His life would have been great, but he always came up against his "not enough" beliefs.

The third man lost all his trucks in a risky business venture. He went through the rest of his life saying, "Oh no, I wouldn't try that. I took a risk once and see what happened. A guy could lose everything by sticking his neck out -- just see what happened to me." He spent the rest of his life not risking anything because of his one-time loss.

He became like some people who are, after going through a crisis like a divorce, bankruptcy, or serious illness, always on guard and will never risk anything, seeing only disastrous outcomes for any choices involving risks. They live from fear and insecurity, and therefore have chosen a very small box from which they can experience life.

The fourth man was the most overwhelmed with the appearance of the three trucks. He could not believe how lucky he was to have such magnificent looking vehicles, so he built a huge shed to keep them in, and spent all his spare time polishing, cleaning, and maintaining his great prizes. He would not risk doing anything with them for fear that they would deteriorate and lose their value, so he kept them locked up and out of service.

He was like those people who recognize their great potential, talents, and gifts, but are so enamored and in love with them that they want to keep everything for themselves. Some people spend their whole life acquiring wisdom, or perfecting a skill that no one ever gets a chance to see and experience. They refuse to offer it to others.

Again, I ask you to think carefully. Who was the most successful of the four truckers? Please write down your answer before continuing.

You may feel that the first trucker was the most successful. But in fact he was no more successful than the other three. Why? Because, they all got exactly what they wanted, did they not? Therefore, they were all successful.

The first trucker was not averse to taking risks in business. Any businessman will tell you that there are always setbacks. So, the first man was able to go beyond any self-limiting beliefs concerning his business, and, therefore became quite successful in the business of trucking.

The second trucker had a strong belief in "not enough," and went through life doing "not enough." He was also successful in getting what he wanted, which was "not enough."

The third trucker believed in "fear of loss," and therefore believed he would be safe if he never risked anything. Once he lost his trucks, he would never again take a chance. His fears and insecurity around a past loss was the center point from which he ran his life. Like the second trucker, he lived his "fear of loss" successfully.

The fourth trucker would not risk putting them into service, and, like the man who hid his talents of silver in the Parable of the Talents, he lost any potential income he might have gained from employing his trucks. As he grew older, he lost whatever spark of ambition he had, and his gift became obsolete. He was a success in that he got what he wanted -- his trucks -- and that is all he got.

In the end, each of them was successful in getting exactly what they wanted. This story shows how by our thoughts, attitudes, and beliefs, we are always getting what we want.

d. Fear of Commitment

Generally people are afraid to commit, and do not want to invest time, money, and energy in themselves. They are not prepared to make themselves their number one project. Why? Because underneath, they may be afraid to know who they really are, or feel somehow that they might fail and feel worse about themselves than they do now.

Your answer to this question determines whether you are willing to commit and attend to whatever it takes to be, do and have the life you choose.

Some may think that going for the life they want is selfish. So they remain unhappy and keep everyone around them unhappy. They do not realize that if they became totally fulfilled and happy they would be far more able to help, love and support those around them. Others would begin to feel better because of their improved attitudes, actions, and behaviors.

Other excuses may be, "That would not agree with my religious teaching," or, "What might others think if I were to expand my beliefs or sense of self?" These people are caught up in living out other people's "shoulds" and "expectations" at the expense of knowing their own personal truth and identity.

Know yourself, and to your own self be true. Until you know who you are, you cannot be true to yourself.

Today, there are a great number of self-esteem and self-worth seminars, workshops, books, and tapes to help people get self-confidence and self-worth. The problem is that most people have not asked the first question "Who am I?" It is difficult to love someone you do not know. Therefore you must know who you are before you can love yourself and others. Only then will you experience the confidence, self-esteem, and self-worth you are seeking.

1. The importance and value of knowing who you are.

I believe this knowledge is the foundation of all of life. A building without a strong foundation will fall. Not knowing who you are motivates you to receive your identity from outside sources such as work, relationships, activities, behaviors, achievements and goals, acquisitions and attachments. While these may be important, they are secondary to the foundation of knowing who you are.

2. How you hide your true identity from yourself by:

• not realizing your power to choose and create your life;
• having a mistaken belief in outside forces controlling your life and deciding your life for you such as society, karma, God, devil, fate, destiny, predetermination, preordaination and predestination;
• not really understanding the gift and power of your free will.

3. As master of your destiny, you need to fully understand these following points:

• Who you are.
• What you want.
• That you are always creating what you want through your free will.
• That you are committing yourself.
• Make yourself your number one project.

The Art of Purposeful Being (P.B.) is designed to help you understand the way you can be the master of your destiny. It is meant as a guide, helping you become aware of your own ability to teach, counsel and direct yourself.

P.B. helps you awaken to all your strength, power and resources to create your life in any way you want to live it. What you already have is what you have chosen. What you have not, you have not yet chosen. This question of choosing to awaken to your true identity is the first step to fulfilling your dreams. Consider yourself a person worth the investment of your time and energy.

I am not advocating shirking your responsibilities. Consider this phrase: "Always as well as, never instead of." I am saying that within your present structure make yourself your favorite hobby or project. Once you do this and begin integrating the information in the coming chapters, you will begin feeling more alive both in yourself, your relationships and all your activities.

This book is about helping you discover your Destiny Project through the Art of Purposeful Being.

If you are committed to making yourself your number one project, you can begin by answering the following questions. The benefits are many. And remember, I designed the questions for you to go beyond some of your old ways of thinking and believing. After you finish the book, look at your answers to see how much you have learned.

Please answer all the following questions, and then rate each one from 1 to 5, with 5 being the most extreme. For example: In question #1, the more I am not aware of my present self-image the higher I would rate myself.

1. I am not aware of my hidden self. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

2.I am always concerned with my self-image. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

3.I have been more concerned with what I do than who I am. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

4. I catch myself comparing myself to others. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

5. I express and experience feelings of not being good enough, or having low self-worth or self-esteem. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

6. I suffer from insecurity, anxiety, and stress. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

7. I entertain negative self-judgment or self-pity. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

8. I suffer from depression, mood swings, despair, the blues, or the blahs. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

9. Even when my outer life is successful, I do not always feel that way inside. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

10. I find anger, sadness, or fear a constant part of my life. 1__ 2__ 3__ 4__ 5__

TOTAL: ___________ (Add up the numbers you've checked off.)

The closer you are to 50 the more unhappy you are with your present self-image.

In future chapters, you'll discover tested-and-proven techniques for increasing your self-image, so you'll feel good about yourself and be happy no matter what's happening around you.

Read or listen to Chapter 2 of The Art of Purposeful Being: Your Destiny Project.

Order Dr. Winkelmans' life-changing book.

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